National Parks Face Staffing Crisis: When Mother Nature Calls, But Nobody’s There to Answer

In what might be the most unwelcome game of musical chairs since the Titanic’s lifeboat shortage, the Trump administration has decided to play “downsizing roulette” with our national parks system. Approximately 1,000 federal park positions have been eliminated faster than visitors can say, “Where’s the nearest bathroom?”

As summer approaches – that magical time when families pack into minivans with enough snacks to survive the apocalypse – park enthusiasts are discovering that America’s greatest natural treasures might be a bit short-staffed this year. It’s like planning a fancy dinner party and then firing the chef, waitstaff, and the person who knows where the bathroom is.

Yosemite: Now With 100% More Waiting in Line

Reports indicate growing apprehension across various national park sites, from the majestic vistas of Yosemite to the hallowed grounds of Gettysburg, where apparently ghosts of Civil War soldiers are now expected to pick up the slack.

In Yosemite, reduced staffing levels are creating challenges in accommodating the massive crowds drawn to events like the Firefall during peak holiday periods. For those unfamiliar, the Firefall is that magical moment when the setting sun hits Horsetail Fall just right, making it look like flowing lava – or as it might soon be known, “that thing you waited six hours to see but couldn’t because the viewing area was at maximum capacity.”

When Nobody’s There to Clean Up, Things Get Messy – Fast

One former employee, identified only as Olek (presumably to protect him from angry tourists looking for someone to blame for the overflowing trash cans), expressed feeling deeply affected by his unexpected termination.

Olek, whose duties included essential sanitation tasks – a fancy way of saying he made sure visitors didn’t have to hold it until they got back to their hotel – observed a rapid decline in cleanliness standards after just one day without his presence.

“I was responsible for maintaining the restrooms and trash collection in the eastern section of the park,” Olek reminisced, presumably while applying for jobs that don’t involve other people’s waste. “The day after I left, visitors were already posting photos of overflowing garbage cans and restrooms that would make a gas station bathroom look like a five-star hotel spa.”

The Great American Outdoors: Now With Extra “Outdoors” in the Restrooms

The staffing cuts come at a particularly inconvenient time, as national parks have been experiencing record attendance in recent years. It’s almost as if Americans suddenly remembered that before Netflix, people used to entertain themselves by looking at really big rocks and unusually tall trees.

Park rangers, now stretched thinner than the patience of parents whose kids have been asking “are we there yet?” for the last four hours, are reportedly taking on multiple roles. One unnamed ranger at Gettysburg was spotted simultaneously giving a historical tour, directing traffic, cleaning restrooms, and explaining to a disappointed family that, no, the gift shop does not sell authentic Civil War bullets as souvenirs.

Nature Calls, But There’s No One to Pick Up

As the summer season approaches and Americans prepare to flock to these natural wonders in record numbers, visitors are advised to pack extra patience along with their trail mix and selfie sticks. Park enthusiasts might want to consider bringing their own toilet paper, trash bags, and perhaps a strong stomach for whatever conditions await them.

In the meantime, wildlife across America’s national parks has reportedly been seen holding emergency meetings to discuss the situation. A family of bears in Yellowstone was allegedly spotted practicing how to use trash can lids, while a herd of deer in Shenandoah has been observed giving each other confused looks as the human presence dwindles but the trash presence grows.

As one park visitor put it while standing in a 45-minute line to use a restroom that may or may not have been cleaned in the last 24 hours: “Nothing says ‘America the Beautiful’ quite like wondering if that puddle is water or… something else.”